missing you, sister

I keep your picture on my desk at work, and I look at it often. It's the photo I took of you on Bon Jez years ago. You were laying on the bench inside the cockpit, the sun was shining perfectly on you. Your face conveys a sense of neutrality and serenity. Your hands accent this depiction, as one is casually slung over the side of the seat, and the other rests comfortably on your chest, without an inkling to shift.

It's a bittersweet feeling every time I see it: Part of me lights up. The other part of me dies a little bit each time. I find myself smiling one second, and in tears the next- a perpetual scenario.

I also keep your graduation picture in my wallet. It's always a pleasant surprise when I pull it out; like I've discovered it all over again. I hold it, for minutes at a time, before inserting it back into it's permanent spot. Until next time...

Since we last spoke, I have been trying to be honest with myself in terms of my shortcomings, and come clean on certain aspects of my life. There are many things that I have and have not done that I feel terribly about. In terms of my connection with you, my biggest heartache is this:

It is so difficult for me to not know who you are right now. Do you want to know me? Don't you want to see me happy? Did I hurt you so deeply and profoundly that you could care less about me? If I did, I'm sorry. I've never wanted anything other than to do right by you. This has obviously not gone over as smoothly as I have always hoped it would, as I have ended up making my heartache your problem. Again, I'm sorry. This was never my intention.

All my life, (well, all your life rather), I remember feeling a sense of such pride in, for, and of you. I remember always feeling an overwhelming sense of obligation to you. I loved you. I loved you in a different and exclusive way than anyone else in my life. I would itch to see you, hold you, talk to you, dance with you, sing with you, shop with you, eat with you, laugh with you, swim with you, walk with you, sit with you, be with you. I didn't like how much I missed you. I still don't.

I'm not sure how much you care about my feelings- which stabs like a knife- but I am hurt by all of this as well. As I said, I am actively seeking out where my faults have gotten in the way of my most important relationships. I am totally willing to take responsibility for my own wrongdoings. With that said, I do not feel as though it is totally fair, nor is it productive in anyway, for me to let all of our troubles rest on my shoulders. I am only one person. There are other players on the ball field, other "actors on the stage." A relationship is not one-sided, and no one person is responsibile for either its success or for its failure. We all have to face ourselves at some point if this is ever to be healed.

I've got my mirror ready- dusted and shined.