missing you, sister

I keep your picture on my desk at work, and I look at it often. It's the photo I took of you on Bon Jez years ago. You were laying on the bench inside the cockpit, the sun was shining perfectly on you. Your face conveys a sense of neutrality and serenity. Your hands accent this depiction, as one is casually slung over the side of the seat, and the other rests comfortably on your chest, without an inkling to shift.

It's a bittersweet feeling every time I see it: Part of me lights up. The other part of me dies a little bit each time. I find myself smiling one second, and in tears the next- a perpetual scenario.

I also keep your graduation picture in my wallet. It's always a pleasant surprise when I pull it out; like I've discovered it all over again. I hold it, for minutes at a time, before inserting it back into it's permanent spot. Until next time...

Since we last spoke, I have been trying to be honest with myself in terms of my shortcomings, and come clean on certain aspects of my life. There are many things that I have and have not done that I feel terribly about. In terms of my connection with you, my biggest heartache is this:

It is so difficult for me to not know who you are right now. Do you want to know me? Don't you want to see me happy? Did I hurt you so deeply and profoundly that you could care less about me? If I did, I'm sorry. I've never wanted anything other than to do right by you. This has obviously not gone over as smoothly as I have always hoped it would, as I have ended up making my heartache your problem. Again, I'm sorry. This was never my intention.

All my life, (well, all your life rather), I remember feeling a sense of such pride in, for, and of you. I remember always feeling an overwhelming sense of obligation to you. I loved you. I loved you in a different and exclusive way than anyone else in my life. I would itch to see you, hold you, talk to you, dance with you, sing with you, shop with you, eat with you, laugh with you, swim with you, walk with you, sit with you, be with you. I didn't like how much I missed you. I still don't.

I'm not sure how much you care about my feelings- which stabs like a knife- but I am hurt by all of this as well. As I said, I am actively seeking out where my faults have gotten in the way of my most important relationships. I am totally willing to take responsibility for my own wrongdoings. With that said, I do not feel as though it is totally fair, nor is it productive in anyway, for me to let all of our troubles rest on my shoulders. I am only one person. There are other players on the ball field, other "actors on the stage." A relationship is not one-sided, and no one person is responsibile for either its success or for its failure. We all have to face ourselves at some point if this is ever to be healed.

I've got my mirror ready- dusted and shined.

Dear both of you

When I look at you, there is nothing that could take away the way my heart flutters. There's nothing that even comes close. I look at you and think, "Oh, Thank You!"

I will never betray you. I never want you to feel as though you aren't important to me. I want to always assure and reassure you that there is nothing that can divide the two of us; nothing that could make me even think to forsake you. I would bleed myself completely bone-dry, until I withered away trying to honor you.

I will always be here for you, regardless of your mistakes. I will always keep in mind my shortcomings, and always remember that I have a past as well. I will live by the creed that through hard times come the most profound opportunities to learn, and through the haze of failure comes a rainbow, full of teachable moments and new horizons. I will be there to support you as you endure these inevitable stages of life.

I will not lie to you: I will not invite you to lean on me, only to move when you do. I will always follow through with my promises and solemn vows, regardless of circumstance, regardless of other people. You and I will have our very own relationship, not contingent upon the other people in our separate lives. Just me and you.

I will not belittle you, but instead, I will encourage you to explore your own reasons, your own convictions, and praise you through your processes of enlightenment and discovery.

I can't even imagine the depths of my love for you- it's too far-reaching for me to even touch. My love for you is totally endless, limitless, beyond the level of comprehension.

This is my unmistakable, unshakable promise to you: I'm all yours, now and always.

If

If I could rest on your lap
And feel your arms wrap
Around me,
Every minute of each day...
I would know what rapture was.

Dear, if I could tie my shoe
To a lace or two
Of yours,
Those knots would be unyielding
I would never leave your side.

My love, if I could have you hold me,
Bind your limbs around me
Snug and secure,
Our bond would be cemented
I would want nothing more.

If I could hear your voice say
You love me now and always
continually,
be a broken record,
I would always be assured

That you are mine
And always,
And forever more.

emancipation

Done all I can to reach you,
short of pounding my head against your door.

But somehow, you’ve managed to ignore
the sound of my voice in your brain.

I thought I was being loud enough.
I thought for sure

that if I just kept pouring
my heart out
I could make you hear me.

All I did was lose my voice.

It was my choice
to keep shouting
though, so
don’t feel bad for me.

I think your ears are sealed
but pish posh,
I'm nearly sure your heart
is the issue.

It has taken me my lifetime
to give up on you.
I’ve done all I can do.

I can’t make you love me.
I can’t force you to be a man.

Be free from me.
I release you.
So be it.

you make me better

I’m taking back my rightful right
as a person on this Earth.
You cannot bind me from my choice;
you will not steal my worth.

I’m stripping down to flesh and bone,
revealing my raw self.
You cannot make me hide what is mine;
you cannot steal my Self---

Self- worth, love, expression. Self- honor;
these are mine to represent.
Self- acceptance, respect, grace. Free Will;
these are all mine to defend.

I’m standing up for what I know
to be true in my own heart.
You cannot break my spirit now;
you will not pick me apart.

Beat me, push me, knock me down; I will withstand.
Slap me, punch me, shoot me dead; I will rise again
from my heartbreak, from your wretchedness.
Freedom from the shackles
you have pinned against me,
I can break through chains.

I have found a way to free my Self;
I’m taking back control.
You may think you’ve got the best of me,
but I still have my soul.

Do you?